SSSSS t TTTTTTTTTT kk SSSSSSS tt TTTTTTTTTT kk SS SSS tt TT kk SS SS ttttt aaaaa rr rr TT rr rr aaaaa kk kk sssss :: SSSS ttttt aaaaaaa rrrrr TT rrrrr aaaaaaa kk kk sssssss :: SSSSSS tt aa aa rrr TT rrr aa aa kk kk ss ss SSSSS tt aaaa rr TT rr aaaa kkkkk ssss SSS tt aaaaaa rr TT rr aaaaaa kkkkk sssss SS SS tt aaa aa rr TT rr aaa aa kkk kk ssss SSS SSS tt aa aa rr TT rr aa aa kk kk ss ss SSSSSSS tttt aaaaaaa rr TT rr aaaaaaa kk kk sssssss :: SSSSS ttt aaaa aa rr TT rr aaaa aa kk kk sssss :: MMM MMM ll t ii MMM MMM ll tt ii MMMM MMMM ll tt MMMM MMMM eee ll ttttt ii nn nnnn ggg gg MM M M MM eeeee ll ttttt ii nnnnnnnn ggggggg MM MM MM MM ee ee ll tt ii nnn nn ggg ggg MM MM MM MM eeeeeee ll tt ii nn nn gg gg MM MM MM MM eeeeeee ll tt ii nn nn gg gg MM MMM MM ee ll tt ii nn nn gg gg MM MMM MM eee ee ll tt ii nn nn ggg ggg MM MMM MM eeeee ll tttt ii nn nn ggggggg MM M MM eee ll ttt ii nn nn ggg gg gg gg gggggggg gggggg PPPPPPP t PPPPPPPP tt PP PPP tt PP PP oooo ttttt PP PPP oooooo ttttt PPPPPPPP ooo ooo tt PPPPPPP oo oo tt PP oo oo tt PP oo oo tt PP ooo ooo tt PP oooooo tttt PP oooo ttt Star Traks: Melting Pot is based on Alan Decker's Star Traks, which in turn is based on Star Trek, created by Gene Roddenberry, may he rest in peace. Welcome to the Second Season of Melting Pot - who'da thunkit? Copyright 2006. "Happiness is..." by Paul Cloutier Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. Norm Papernick The nearly overwhelming sense of presence that accompanied the appearance of the OverMind filled the Bridge. After being chased by the Happy Universe version of themselves for the past several days, the Omega Configuration had swallowed them up, wrapping them in a comforting, safe haven. Now, the OverMind would be able to help them to pierce the dimensional barriers and return to the Normal Universe. "OverMind! I cannot tell you how glad we are to see you!" Banjo called out. The white light that was usually associated with the OverMind was missing. For some reason, the OverMind was sparkling like an ancient disco ball. Banjo began to get a very bad feeling about this. "Yo! Dudes! What's happenin'? You come to hang with the partyingest Dude in all of space? Then you've come to the right place! Party On!" Banjo's bad feeling intensified, geometrically. "Sir!" M'Dral called out. "I know," Banjo acknowledged. "The OverMind is Happy!" "Happy! Who wouldn't be Happy! Its just a party all the time here in the 'Really, Really Mysterious Configuration'!" "The 'Really, Really Mysterious Configuration'?" Banjo repeated. "What a stupid name!" "Hey now!" the OverMind protested. "I/We don't go around insulting /your/ home now do I/we?" "Oops! Sorry about that, OM!" Banjo apologized. "Hey! Cool! A nickname! That's, like, totally triff! OM! Yeah, I like that! Just make sure you don't accidentally say 'BM'! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" The OverMind laughed at its own joke as the Menagerie's crew just rolled their eyes. Finally, Banjo, thinking quickly, called out, "OK, OM. Give us a little time to get ready and we'll have a huge party down in our Lounge. We... ahhhh... wanted to make sure that you weren't in the shower or anything first!" "Groovy dudes! Just give me/us a call when you're ready!" The presence of the OverMind faded away as the collected consciousnesses of the entire Foreenan race went wherever it was that it went when it wasn't talking to visitors. "'In the shower'?" Dil repeated, laughing. "Yeah, well, I didn't see you offering any bright ideas!" Banjo retorted. "That's because I get my best ideas... IN THE SHOWER!" Dil giggled, getting M'Dral and Gisech laughing, too. B1 & B2 held out for as long as they could before they, too, started laughing. Banjo held up his hands and turned his face towards the ceiling as he asked, "Why me?" The hastily assembled Briefing was convened in The Pirate's Cove. For some reason, Briefing Room One was making several of the staff queasy and they would be using the Lounge for the upcoming 'party' anyway. Seetamyn opened the proceedings, "Long-range scanners have detected the arrival of the Menage-a-Trois at the outer edge of the radiation field. For whatever reasons they might have, they haven't entered the field, yet." "I thought that we had decided that they wouldn't have been able to figure out how to get in," Dil argued. "That was before we discovered that the OverMind had been 'Happied'" Banjo reminded him. "Haven't you been paying attention?" "Well, I was. Right up to the point where you told the OverMind that you thought that he might have been in the shower!" Dil responded, bringing a new chorus of laughter from the assembled officers. Even Hirthnole, Zamtra, Linnea and Jantoo, who had been brought up to date on recent events, joined in. Banjo just signed, murmuring, "Et tu, Jantoo," under his breath. Apparently he had picked up some reading lists from Gisech. "Alright," Captain Seetamyn terminated the laughter, "down to business. We know that some people here have been freed from the effects of the transferrence ray, and, according to Starfleet records, those from our universe who have been subjected to it have also been cured. Therefore, it should be possible for us to cure the OverMind." Any last, lingering traces of laughter died with that statement. The stress of having had their last hopes crushed when they had found out that the OverMind had been 'Happy-ed', too, was immediately lifted. There might still be a chance for them to return home! "Jantoo," Seetamyn continued, "do we still have the Foreenan and OverMind neuroscans on file?' "Yes, Sir," the tiny Bajoran responded. "As you know, I've been continually trying find a way to allow their autonomous nervous systems to re-learn all of the functions that have aptrophied over the last 20,000 years." "Excellent," Seetamyn enthused, without any trace of emotion in his voice. "Ustrano, get with B1 & B2 and M'Dral and analyze the recordings that were made of that beam that the Roadrunner tried to attack us with. Then get with Doctor Pish and see if you can't duplicate its effects using the OverMind's neuroscans as a new template. Banjo, you, Dil and Gisech come up with some battle plans to hold off the Menage-a-Trois. If we are successful, I'm sure that they'll be trying to stop us from returning home." "Sir," Dil spoke up, "what about Thong?" "I'm sorry, Sir," Ensign Zamtra broke in, "I honestly didn't realize that they were against regulations!" Everyone turned to look at the Transporter Chief, who started whistling and looking around in an entirely futile attempt to appear nonchalant. "Thank you for that completely superfluous personal ancedote, Ensign, but I believe that Lieutenant Mantron was referring to the Menage-a-Trois' Mistress." "Oh! I see, Sir! Ummmm, carry on, then!" He scrouched down in his chair to try to make himself look even smaller. Unfortunately, this action brought into sharp focus the reason that thongs were, indeed, against regulations! "Back to the question at hand," Seetamyn began, trying to ignore the pained expression on Ensign Zamtra's face and the distracting wiggling of the young Tamarian's backside. "What were you asking about Thong?" Ripping his eyes and his attention from the morbidly fascinating image of Zamtra trying in vain to surreptitiously remove his underwear from its uncomfortable perch in his butt-crack, Lieutenant Mantron valiantly struggled to get his train of thought back on track. "Oh, yes. Thong. Maybe we could try to bring her back to our universe and cure her. Then she and Sperr could be together, again!" "A noble sentiment, perhaps, but how did you imagine that this could be accomplished?' "Sort of like: beam over, sedate Thong, beam back?" "How, did you plan on getting through their Shields?" Gisech asked. "Well, if they do come into the radiation field to try to stop us from curing the OverMind, we'll know exactly what Shield frequency they'll be using. So I figured it wouldn't be any big deal!" "That's right!" Ustrano agreed. "Only one Shield frequency will allow them to navigate the Omega Configuration!" "Actually," Banjo spoke up, "the Happy Universe name is the 'Really, Really Mysterious Configuration'!" "Back to Dil's question, having seen Thong, I doubt that she would go with us, willingly. And, since I cannot condone kidnapping, I must say that returning with her is not an option," Seetamyn answered. "I understand, Sir," Dil replied. "It just seems wrong, somehow, to not try to do /something/!" "Oh, we'll do 'something' alright!" Banjo promised. "For starters, we're going to put up transporter inhibitors around all sensitive areas and have patrols of Security Officers roaming the corridors!" "That wasn't exactly what I meant," Dil frowned. "Sir," Linnea spoke up, "what should I be doing?" "Linnea, you and Lieutenant Hirthnole have the most important assignments of all!" Hirthnole and Linnea both subconsciously straightened up. "You two have to get the Lounge ready for a party." On the Bridge of the Menage-a-Trois, Guitar was pacing, restlessly. This waiting was driving him crazy! The only way he could occupy himself was by making a game out of the pacing. The game went like this: 1. walk three steps 2. pick up the, basically, comatose form of Captain Acetaminophen 3. spin him around like a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey contestant 4. point him at B4 5. shake him like a bartender making a vodka martini - shaken, not stirred 6. allow him to projectile vomit all over the Bynar 7. drop him 8. take three more steps 9. turn 10. repeat So far this game had kept him occupied for the better part of two hours. It was true - the clasics never really went out of style! Suddenly, his game was interrupted! "Sir! Sensors indicate an incoming ship! Transponder code... Why? Why me? Always me! All alone! Alone and covered in vomit! Why? Why me?... Funship I-Kid-You!" "About Happy time!" Guitar groused, so distracted by the announcement that he neglected to point the shaken Captain at B4 and the spewing ended up in Man-ton's New England style calm chowder! The Helmsman seemed unconcerned as he simply kept shovelling the food into his mouth. "We've a-got us an incomming comm, ya'll," M'Drawl announced. "On screen," Guitar ordered, unceremoniously dropping Acetaminophen to the deck. The viewscreen sprang to life, showing the heroic, manly form of Captain Adrian Thorne. "Thorne! Glad to see that you could make it!" the adoring eyes of Guitar and the whole Menage-a-Trois Bridge Crew peered at the wonderful sight of their saviour! "My friends! My friends, never fear! Thorne is here!" Tears filled the crew's eyes as they basked in the greatness of the heroic, manly man on the screen before them. They were saved! "Sir!" Ensign Diftur suddenly announced from Ops "another ship has just rendevouzed with the Menage-a-Trois! Transponder reads - Funship I-Kid-You!" "Diftur, why are you manning Ops?" Seetamyn asked. "There wasn't much happening in Engineering, so I headed up here. Everyone else was assigned to special projects so Commander Ustrano figured that I could keep an eye on the sensors," Diftur explained. "Very well," Seetamyn acknowledged the explanation. "What can you tell me about this 'I-Kid-You'?" "Sir, it seems to be the Happyverse equivalent of our USS Aikido!" "Akira class?" "Yes, Sir!" "Take us to Red Alert, Ensign." Seetamyn sounded the allcall, "All hands to battle stations! Lieutenants Gisech, Mantron and M'Dral report to the Bridge. Doctor Pish, Commander Banjo and Commander Ustrano - status reports." "Pish here, Captain! We have managed to program the OverMind's neurological profile into a device that Ustrano thinks will perform the job of that transferrence ray. We've hidden it inside a large mirrored ball in the lounge that Gisech assured us would allay any fears that the OverMind might have. Once the party starts, we should be able to zap the OverMind right back into shape!" "Excellent, Doctor. However, that party may have to wait for a bit of time." "Ustrano here, Sir. We're ready for just about anything, Sir. The poly- iridichromnium is in place, we have full offensive and Warp capabilities and we've even cooked up a couple of surprises for our friends out there!" "Very good, Commander." The turbolift door at the back of the Bridge opened disgorging M'Dral, Gisech, Mantron and Banjo. The three junior officers took their positions (Diftur, headed over to the auxilary Engineering Console), while Banjo hopped up on the Command dais. "Sir, everything is set! Why the Red Alert?" "See for yourself, Commander," Seetamyn nodded towards the main viewscreen, where the two ships outside the Omega Configuration's radiation field were plainly visible. They became even more visible as they both suddenly zipped towards Foreena Four! "Evasive!" Banjo ordered as Dil sent the ship flipping between the six planetoids and the mini black hole that occupied the fourth orbital position of the Foreenan sun. Thong had returned to the Menage-a-Trois' Bridge where she was spending most of her time batting her eyelashes at the heroic, manly figure of Thorne displayed on the main viewscreen. "Mistress! We'll run them back around towards you," that figure was saying, "be ready to hit them with everything you've got!" "Oh! Whatever you say, Thorne-y!" Thong gushed back. Captain Acetaminophen had finally woken up and he, too stared in rapt awe, stunned by the magnificent presence of the heroic, manly man that was Captain Adrian Thorne. <> he thought. <> Acetaminophen strode purposely over to the replicator, "Computer! One cape!" he thought for a moment before adding, "a nice red one with some pretty lacework around the edges!" The requested article of clothing appeared and Acetaminophen excitedly removed it from the replicator and quickly tied it around his neck. "Ha!" he cried. "Now I'm a hero, too! In fact, I'm a Super-hero!" and, so saying, he climbed up on the railing that surrounded the raised Command dais and then struck a pose before diving off and flying! Well, flying straight into the floor anyway. The cape fluttered down, completely covering B4. Guitar just shook his head, sadly. It was such a pretty cape, too, and now the Captain was getting it all wrinkled! "We must do something!" Thong suddenly shouted. "Its too late, its already ruined," Guitar said. "What?" Thong asked confused. "That pretty cape - its all wrinkled," Guitar sounded as though he might break into tears at any moment. "There, there," Thong soothed the First Officer, "mommy will get you one of your own. But first we must do something about the Menagerie!" "OK!" Guitar shouted. "Maybe we can send over some boarding parties!" "Oh boy! I says, I jest loves me a good pahty!" M'Drawl agreed. "But how can we get through their Shields?" Thong asked. "Well, they're flying around in here so their Shields must be at the correct frequency!" Guitar reasonned, getting really excited, now. "OK! Let's do that!" Thong agreed. A quick conversation with Mantra (well, relatively quick. They still had to decipher the Tamarian's fortune-cookie wisdom to communicate with him), revealed that Transporter Room One was, indeed, functioning again, so Gizmo and a squad of Security Officers headed that way. "I'm reading... Why? Why me? All alone! Alone in space and covered by this silly cape! Why me?... transporter scrambling fields all over the Menagerie!" B4 spoke up, his voice muffled by the cape over his head. "Oh! For the love of Happiness!" Thong cursed. "I thought we had them that time!" The Menagerie came into sight on the viewscreen. Guitar had taken over the Security Console when Gizmo had left, so he launched a spread of torpedoes and phasers at the oncoming ship. The I-Kid-You was launching its own weapons as it pursued the wildly darting Menagerie. Nearly every torpedo and beam hit the UnHappy ship, enveloping it in a cloud of debris and a flash of light. When the light had faded, the ship was drifting, seemingly without power, right in front of the Menage-a-Trois! "Yeah! We got it!" Guitar yelled. He danced over to the Ops Console where he and M'Drawl spun around the Bridge dosey-doe-ing and alamand-lefting! It was a real, ole-fashioned hoe-down! Thong danced her own little jig (unwittingly dancing on Acetaminophen's head) and Man-ton, who couldn't actually move, simply quivered with joy. Only B4 stayed at his station. "Sensors are indicating... Why? Why me? Alone, forever and ever! All alone with no one to dance with! Why? Why me?... an undetermined energy surge from the Menagerie!" "Is it going to blow?" Thong asked, stopping her jig, and, incidentally, saving the Captain from serious cranial trauma. Guitar and M'Drawl just looked at each other and smirked. Their smirks quickly turning to giggles as they mouthed the word 'blow' at each other. "It appears to be... Why? Why me? Alone and by myself! Alone with no one to share double entendres with! Why? Why me?... more of a transporter signal than an imminent warp core breach." "A transporter? But why?" Thong asked. "You know," Guitar pondered, suddenly thoughtful, "if we knew what their Shield frequencies were, they should know what ours are..." "Ya'll! Ima confirmin' numarous beamins jest all over this here ship!" M'Drawl announced. "Boarding parties!" Thong shouted, a flicker of dismay creasing her normally joyous countenance. "Nope! Ima not a readin' any of them thar lifesigns!" M'Drawl reported. "No lifesigns?" Guitar wondered out loud. "What could they be, then?" Just then, the ship was wracked by numerous explosions as the small, anti-matter bombs that had been beamed over all detonated simultaneously! "Bombs! That's what they are!" Guitar shouted out, just before he was blown to tiny golden droplets of goo and splattered all over the Bridge! On board the Funship I-Kid-You, things were not much better. They too, had recieved numerous presents from the bomb fairy and chaos and confusion were the new words for the day. On the Bridge, the surviving crew had no room in their hearts to mourn the passing of Lieutanant Metalhead, who had been cut to ribbons, along with the props Yeoman, when Thorne's SFX Fan had torn itself to pieces, sending deadly shrapnel throughout the bridge. No, their hearts were too full of grief over the passing of the greatest hero that the Federation of Fun had ever known. Captain Adrian Thorne lay dead on the floor. After launching their torpedoes at the Menagerie, he had struck an heroic pose to watch the destruction his heroic crew had wrought on their enemies. Like the Menage-a-Trois, the I-Kid-You had thought the enemy ship dead in space and had been taken completely by surprise by the arrival of the transported bombs. Realizing a split-second faster than anyone else what the transporter signals had represented, Thorne had heroically tried to secure the turbolift. He had made it into the the 'lift when the bombs went off. The concussion had thrown him out of the 'lift, just as the doors closed, snagging his heroic, manly cape. The sudden stop had proven too much for the heroic, manly Captain's neck and it had been broken, leaving the heroic, crumpled body a heap on the deck. Over the still, lifeless hero Commander Monsterass, Lieutenant Spear and Ensign Cordlessphone wept their bitter tears. Off in the corner, Doctor Stewed, drank a silent toast to the fallen hero. Tell-it-to-someone-who-cares, silently came over and embraced Monsterass, knowing as he did so that his comfort would mean little to the stricken First Officer. Who could ever replace so great a leader, so great a hero, so great a man as Captain Adrian Thorne? Emergency power was all that the ship had and alarm klaxons sounded out warnings of various emergencies and pending disasters. No one paid them the slightest heed. What disaster could possibly top the loss of their heroic, manly Captain? Just then, a slight grinding noise was heard. Then again. Suddenly, with a lurch, the aft jefferies tube was flung open and Alex Thorne hopped out. "I managed to stabilize the warp core!" he announced before becoming aware of the silence that welcomed his arrival. Making his way past the assembled mourners, he knelt with a cry, cradling his father's head in his lap. "Father! Father! What have they done to you?" the boy wept. One by one the crew nodded to each other. Here was their answer. Here was their reason to continue. Captain Adrian Thorne might be dead, but his heroic, manly legacy would be continued on in his heroic, manly son - Alex Thorne! They set to work, clearing the debris and feverishly trying to get their ship back into shape to punish those who had brought them to this nadir. They would have their vengeance upon the Menagerie! On board the Funship Menage-a-Trois, Lieutenant Man-ton was frightened. He had finished off all of the supplies that he normally kept by the Helm and then slurped up some lemon Jello that someone had splattered all over the Bridge. Well, at least all that he could reach. The explosions that had rocked the ship had, not so much 'thrown' him from his chair, as collapsed the specially reinforced chair, sending him crashing to the deck. His range of motion was limited, but it was enough to show him that things were not good. Smoking consoles and emergency lighting usually meant disrupted meal schedules and Man-ton could already feel hunger pangs stabbing at his stomach. Idly reaching out, his questing hand discovered a foot! Pulling the foot towards himself, he discovered B4! The Bynar was still alive, although unconscious. Searching the Bynar, thoroughly, Man-ton was disappointed to discover that the Science Officer had no food on him. Man-ton usually drew the line at eating crewmates, but this was an emergency! B4's story was a strange one, even by the standards of the Happyverse. When the USS Secondprize had begun her Joegonotization rampage across the Sector, one of the first planets that she had hit, had been Bynarus. This had been a calculated strike, designed to deprive the Federation of the vast computing power represented by Bynarus. What most people in Starfleet had never fully understood was that the 'Great Computer' of Bynarus was, in reality, the linked minds of the entire population of Bynarus! The Bynars could, by direct skin contact with other members of their own people, enter into a kind of 'shared sub-conscious' state. They had named this shared community 'logic space' and, together, the Bynars could process incredible amounts of data nearly instantaneously! On that fateful day, B4 had been the only Bynar on the entire planet to be on potty break when the transference ray had struck! He had emerged from the restroom, desparately searching for a match, only to find his planet populated by drooling, babbling idiots! The massive disruption of the Bynars' intra- and inter- neural networks had destroyed not only the 'Great Computer', but also the minds of every single linked Bynar! B4 had honestly tried to do what he could for his people but being caretaker for millions of completely helpless individuals is a rather depressing (not to mention messy!) job. He had eventually made his way to Earth and joined Starfleet Academy, just before it was renamed Funfleet Academy of Jolly Good Times. Finding a completely new variety of idiots here, B4 had resigned himself to his fate. His graduation dissertation, 'Why ME?' had been optioned by the newly formed Federation of Fun Holovision Network (Nighttime Soaps Division). The network executives had thought that the pathos and emotion of the plight of the last remaining Bynar would make a great counterpart to their otherwise "All Comedy, All the Time!" lineup. The show had never been developed, however, after an entire test audience had spontaneously committed suicide after watching the pilot episode! Now the hapless Bynar had been reduced to being an entree! Commander Guitar, literally, pulled himself together, gathering his goo from where it had been splattered to by the Menagerie's trick. Something seemed somehow wrong to him as he reconstituted his last drop. Looking around he realized that something was definitely wrong! He was over a foot shorter! Reaching out with his mind, he could detect no other globules of Founder protoplasm nearby. A sneaking suspicion struck him and he whirled to face Man-ton - only to discover the Betazoid eating B4! Quickly flowing over to the smorgasbord, Guitar grabbed what was left of B4 away from the ravenous Helmsman. Man-ton had managed to eat both of the Bynar's feet off! "Sir, I'm not feeling... Why? Why me? Alone! Alone with my feet eaten off! Why? Why me?... very well," the semi-conscious Science Officer offered, before dropping back into unconsciousness. "You ate me, too! Didn't you?" Guitar demanded. "I thought it was dessert!" the Helmsman whined, talking for the first time in years without his mouth being full. Guitar just shook his head in disbelief and set about seeing to the rest of the crew and the repair of the ship. He contacted Commander Elstrango, "How long until we're back up and running, Chief?" "UnHappily, I can't really say," the confused Velvattian replied. "We've got coolant and gas and all sorts of pretty-colored stuff leaking out down here! I think I've blown a seal!" "Hey!" Guitar admonished the Engineer. "Keep your personal life out of this and please just fix the ship! Pretty please with sugar on top!" "I'll do my best, Sir!" Elstrango assured the Changeling. "That's what I'm afraid of," Guitar sighed as he closed the comm channel. By some miracle, minimal power had been restored to the Menage-a-Trois. Guitar had gotten a replicator working on the Bridge and rigged up a chute to allow food to be delivered directly to Man-ton's bottomless gullet. He had had B4, M'Drawl, Thong and Acetaminophen moved to Sickbay. Gizmo was somewhere, lost down a corridor with the rest of his security detail. Apparently he and his squad had been trying to catch their tails and the resultant dizzyness had destroyed their direction sense. The odd thing was, no one on the squad actually had any tails! Guitar was on his way down to Sickbay, now, to get a preliminary report on the health, or lack thereof, of the crew. He had left Man-ton in charge on the Bridge, more because he couldn't think of any way of moving him, rather than from any sense that Man-ton was capable of actually /doing/ anything. Sickbay always made him nervous. He attributed this to the peculiarities of the Menage-a-Trois' CMO - Doctor Fish Jantoo. Doctor Fish had been held for years in a Cardassian Fun camp and had only survived by retreating into a fantasy where she imagined that she was a fish! The way that she goggled her eyes and made fishlips with her mouth while talking was always annoying, and rather disturbing, to Guitar. "Status report, Doctor!" Guitar asked as he walked into the crowded Sickbay. Doctor Fish's lips made OoOoOoOo shapes as she replied, "Well, Sir <> the Captain is fine. I think he slept through the entire incident and, short of some minor bruising on his head, he'll be right as rain in no time!" She shrugged her shoulders in excitement, causing some fake gills that she had glued to her neck to flare open and closed. "Excellent, Doctor!" Guitar was delighted with the news and turned to take a closer look at Acetaminophen. Strange how those bruises on his head almost looked like footprints. "Moving on to B4..." "Why B4 next?" Guitar asked. "He comes next, alphabetically <>" Fish explained. "Anyway," she continued, "his feet are gone. There is no way to retrieve them and re-attach them. <> However, in Happy news, the latest models of Funfleet Medical's bionic prosthetics are now available! This years' models feature new, brighter color choices and now come standard with the popular pogo-spring® option!" "Wow!" Guitar agreed. "What a lucky guy!" "Oh yes, indeedy!" Fish gushed. "I couldn't find the PADD with the newest information, but I /have/ given him the hardcopy brochure to peruse! <>" Sure enough, the Bynar was propped up in bed looking through an old-fashioned paper catalog. Guitar decided a few words of encouragement were in order, "Glad to see things turning out OK for you, B4!" "Thank you, Sir! Looks like I'll... Why? Why me? Alone! Alone in Sickbay! All alone forever and now with this awful papercut! Why? Why me?... be back on duty in no time!" "Glad to hear it!" Guitar said, clapping the Science Officer on the shoulder as he surrepticiously unplugged the Bynar's intra-venous tube. The Doctor and the First Officer moved on to the next biobed, Fish making swimming motions with her hands as she went. Here they found M'Drawl in pretty bad shape. "Guitar, I'm afraid M'Drawl has been blinded! I've been on the comm to Funfleet Medical and they're sending the files so that we can make her a VISOR like Gorgeous LaForge's. <>" "Ummm, hold on a moment Doctor," Guitar examined M'Drawl closely. "Isn't the problem here that her hat has fallen down over her eyes?" "Well, yes," admitted Doctor Fish. "But with her hat like that, she can't see anything, so she's effectively blind." "Not wanting to sound like a know-it-all or anything, Doctor, but couldn't we just pull off her hat?" Fish stopped, dead in her tracks, "Pull off her hat?! That never occurred to me!" She stepped over to her patient and, grasping the ten-gallon hat's brim, firmly, gave a quick tug. The hat popped off of the Benzite's head. M'Drawl looked around herself in wonder. "I kin see!" She exclaimed happily, jumping to her feet and dancing with joy. "Itza mircal! I kin see! I kin see!" She plunked her hat back down on her head and sashayed around Sickbay - completely cured! "Well, I must say! That certainly worked out well!" Fish squealed Happily! The pair moved on to the biobed where Mistress Thong lay, under heavy sedation. "This case is a bit more serious, I'm afraid <>, Fish said, sadly. "Mistress Thong's thong has become permanently stuck in her bum!" "You don't mean..." Guitar gasped. "Yes! Permanent Wedgie! <>" "Oh no!" Guitar yelped, subconsciously clenching his own bottom cheeks in sympathy. The two bent over the Mistress' bed as the status indicators above the bed began to slowly rise. With a grunt, Mistress Thong opened her eyes and sat up. "I feel... strange," she said. "I'm sorry, Mistress," Fish sobbed. "I did everything I could, but your underwear has become a permanent part of you! <>" Thong wiggled her bottom, exploratively. "Actually, that feels kinda neat!" she declared, leaping from the biobed and striking several weightlifter poses as she watched in one of the Sickbay mirrors as her 'glutes' struggled vainly to expel the fabric invader. Chants of "Thong", "Thong", "Thong" filled the Sickbay, almost drowning out the electronic squeal of alarms as B4's vitals dropped to dangerous levels and a team of medtechs rushed over to try to revive the sinking Bynar. Guitar, M'Drawl and Thong headed back to the Bridge. It was time to settle the score with the Menagerie! On the Menagerie, power was back to normal levels and all systems were running smoothly. The faked 'dead, drifting ship' trick had worked yet again! They had allowed the attacks to hit them, knowing it would blow their Shield generators and give them the diversion that they needed to beam over some 'presents' to their pursuers. Now that they were no longer being pursued, it was time to get ready for the big party. Oh, and, incidentally, to try to reverse the effects that the Happy's transference ray had had on the OverMind! The crew had changed into their 'party' clothes and were starting to unwind in The Pirate's Cove. The tables and chairs had been removed and the perimeter of the lounge lined with barstools, making plenty of room for an expanded dance floor. Multicolored lights reflected off of the huge, mirrorred ball that hung over the center of the dance floor - a ball that concealed Ustrano's version of the Happy's transference ray. Gisech had tapped into the ship's historical files and helped Linnea and Hirthnole design what was easily the tackiest nightclub any of them had ever seen. The OverMind should love it! To go along with the design of the club, Gisech had also replicated several outfits for the crew to wear. Seetamyn was, perhaps, the only crewmember not uncomfortable in his outfit. Somehow he seemed completely at ease in his bright white polyester leisure suit. He somehow even made the bright red, wide-lapelled shirt and the four-inch platform shoes look comfortable. Banjo looked far less happy in his powder-blue and canary yellow ensemble, and Hirthnole wasn't particularly pleased by his avocado green and watermelon pink combo, but they were like smiling beacons compared to how Mantron felt in his gold lamé outfit! It only buttoned up to about six inches above the Betazoid's waist, leaving his entire chest exposed! He wondered about the significance of the garish, gold medallions that Gisech had insisted that he hang around his neck. Gisech, himself, was not present, quoting some regulation about keeping at least one Security Officer on the Bridge at all times in enemy territory. The girls had not been neglected by Gisech's foray into the history of bad outfits. The clothing wasn't particularly bad, and Jantoo, Linnea and M'Dral could make anything they wore look quite good, irregardless of how poor the garment was anyway, but, apparently, the same time period that could produce the terrible clothing that the men were wearing, had also dabbled in hair styling, too. The girls were wearing huge, piled masses of hair that either towered skyward or fanned out around their heads like some sort of electrical discharge. Things looked really bizarre and the crew hoped that these subterfuges would be enough to fool the Happy OverMind. Deciding that things weren't likely to get much weirder, Banjo opened a hailing channel to the OverMind "Oh, OverMind!" he called out, trying to sound Happy. "The party's all ready! We just need wonderful little /you/ to kick things off!" "'Wonderful little /you/'?" Mantron whispered. "Remember! We're supposed to be Happy!" Banjo hissed back. "I don't think I can be /that/ Happy!" The discussion was cut short as electronic music surged through the Lounge. The presence of the OverMind suddenly filled the room and somehow everyone present got the impression that the discorporate communal entity was... dancing? Linnea, Dil, Pish, Banjo, Hirthnole and M'Dral formed a circle around the OverMind gyrating and twisting to the music. Seetamyn and Zamtra stood in the background shooting their index fingers up and down in surprisingly good rhythm with the music. Ustrano waved its tentacles like an entire audience's worth of giddy spectators as the unsuspecting OverMind was manouvered directly under the mirrored ball. When everything was ready, Ustrano pushed a button on a PADD and a beam of polychromatic light beamed out from the ball, striking the OverMind! A pyschic cry lashed everyone in the Lounge to the floor, threatening to drive them insane with anguish and terror. And then, just like that, everything was quiet. No pyschic screams. No disco music. Nothing. Even the lights had been extinguished by the energy backlash releashed by the OverMind. As everyone collected themselves and woozily made their way up off of the floor, they found themselves face-to-glow the incandescently white presence of the OverMind! "ARRRRRRGHHHH! What has happened to me/us? The pain!" "OverMind! What is the last thing that you remember?" Banjo asked, concerned. After all this was their ticket home! "A ship had just penetrated the protective radiation blanket that I/we had established around Foreena. I/we was/were asking them to attempt the Quests for the Six Spheres of Power when they shot some sort of beam at me/us! After that, all I/we can remember is pain... and some sort of terrible music! "So the Quests were never completed?" Banjo asked, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice. The OverMind's Transport Portal needed the Spheres to function. Without them, they were stuck here just as badly as they had been when the OverMind was still Happy! "You seem to know quite a bit about me/us," the OverMind shrewdly observed. "How did you come by that knowledge?" "We are not from this universe," Banjo explained. "Somehow we were transported here in a freak warp core breach accident. In /our/ universe, we completed the Quests and restored you to your corporeal bodies!" The OverMind seemed to pulsate with energy and joy at this announccement, "So, in your universe, I/we have our bodies back?" "Not exactly..." Banjo quickly summed up what had transpired back in the 'normal' universe, bringing the OverMind up to date with the resolution of the Quests, the re-corporation of the Foreenans, the discovery of the Black Queens (and their subsequent destruction), and the crew's entrance into the Happyverse. "I/we see." the OverMind responded after the Changeling was finished. "Very well. In recognotion of the efforts you have made on behalf of my/our counterpart in your universe and, not to mention, the efforts made in curing me/us, I/we will summon the Spheres back and transport you back to your universe, right where this whole adventure started!" "Well, well thank you," Banjo stammered. "But I thought you needed someone to retrieve the Spheres for you?" "No. The Quests were designed as a test to see if the galaxy was ready for my/our return. That is why it was necessary for someone to go and fetch them. Here, it is obvious that no one is ready, so I/we will summon back the Spheres, return you home, scatter the Spheres again, and then increase the energy output of the radiation field to fry anyone who attempts to penetrate it. I/We will keep it at that level for 100 years and then allow it to return to its former amplitude. The next time a ship penetrates that barrier, I/we will be ready for any sort of 'Happy' beam. If the ship isn't Happy, I/we will allow them to try the Quests, then." "Sounds like a plan," Banjo agreed. "Now, about returning us home...?" "First I/we will need to determine exactly which universe to return you to. As you may know, each universe has certain universal constants that make it unique. Things like permittivity of atomic free space and sub-mesonic vibratory patterns. I/we will have to analyze your ship and compare this analysis it to these same constants for this universe." The OverMind's presence faded a bit and Mantron asked, nervously, "Ummm, how long will that take?" The OverMind popped back, full force and asked, "How long will /what/ take?" "That analysis thingy!" "It is already complete!" announced the OverMind. "Once the Spheres return I/we will be able to send you home in the blink of an eye!" "We can't thank you enough OverMind!" Banjo enthused! As a great cheer went up and hugs were exchanged all around. The celebration was cut short by a sudden comm from the Bridge, "Captain! The Menage-a-Trois and the I-Kid-You are closing on our postion!" Seetamyn, Banjo, M'Dral and Mantron made their way to the Bridge, still dressed in their 'finery'. Gisech and Diftur had sent the ship into an evasive flight pattern and scattered a few torpedoes at their pursuers. Mantron and M'Dral made their way to Helm and Ops while Diftur drifted back to the auxilary Engineering station, again. "Open a hailing frequency," Seetamyn ordered. The main viewscreen switched from its image of the pursuing ships to a split- screen mode and showed Mistress Thong and Commander Monsterass, neither of who looked very 'Happy' to see them. "I am comming to warn you both," Seetamyn began. "In a short while, this entire region will be flooded with deadly radiation. We recommend that you remove yourselves from the Really, Really Mysterious Configuration before it is too late." "You have killed the greatest hero that the Federation of Fun has ever known!" screamed Monsterass. "You've permanantly embedded my underwear in my bum!" Thong announced, not wanting to be outdone by Monsterass. "Ya'll done ruined a good hat!" Lieutenant M'Drawl added. "You <> broke our <> ship!" Doctor Stewed slurred. Captain Seetamyn turned to Commander Banjo, "Commander, somehow I doubt that these people will respond favorably to logic. Therefore the logical solution would be to utilize non-logical arguments with which to persuade them. I find myself unsuited for this task, so I turn the job over to you." "Ummm. OK," Banjo delayed, trying to come up with a good argument. "Well, you started it!" he finally tried. "Did not!" "Did too!" "Did not!" "Did too!" <> Banjo thought. <> "Enough!" interrupted Guitar. "It doesn't matter who did what to whom or how often!" Guitar paused here, mentally reviewing that last statement as Thong and Monsterass both blushed. Guitar regrouped and continued, "Our Happy orders are to make you Happy or make you dead!" Everyone on the Funships clapped at the simple elegance of that speech, and Guitar took a slight bow. "Shouldn't that be 'to make you Happy or /to/ make you dead'?" Banjo asked. Everyone's lips on the Funships started moving as they repeated the phrases to themselves to see which one was the better. "That would only apply if we had gotten two sets of orders," Guitar argued. "With one set, the compound conjunction 'or' allowed the definate infinitive 'to' to be utilized by both subjective clauses 'you Happy' and 'you dead'!" Banjo suddenly realized how Seetamyn or Gisech must feel in the middle of one of their famous debates. Here he was trying to distract their enemies by trying to nitpick their grammar! Well, at least it seemed to be working! "Wow!" Banjo said, pretending to be in awe of Guitar's language prowess. "Can you explain split infinitives, too?" "Sure," Guitar agreed. "Can you give me an example?" "Ummm... how about 'to boldly go where no man has gone before!'?" "Well, that one's easy!" Guitar laughed. "The infinitive phrase 'to go' had been split by the adverb 'boldly'. However, you must realize that the rules of grammar are not set in stone. They are fluid and ever-changing, more like a living, breathing creature than an absolute, ironclad ruleset. At the time that phrase was made popular, the rules of grammar were undergoing some rather dramatic changes and, while 'to boldly go where no man has gone before!' technically, isn't great grammar, colloquially it was completely acceptable!" The crews of both Funships were moved to tears by the beauty of this explanantion. Two little girls appeared on the Bridge of the Menage-a-Trois carrying bouquets of roses which they handed to Guitar, who blew kisses to his applauding audience. M'Dral had been keeping track of the energy readings coming in from Foreena Four while the bizarre conversation took place. So far, four of the Spheres had returned from their 'pocket dimensions.' She nonchalantly dropped her hand down next to her seat and wiggled four fingers at Banjo. Banjo saw the Benzite's signal and immediately understood its significance. He would only need to stall for a short time longer! "Ah! I do thank you, Commander! Now it all seems so clear to me!" Banjo grovelled, but he was struck by something odd as he looked at his counterpart. "Wait a minute!" he shouted. "Why are you so short?" The celebration and Happiness on the Funships immediately ceased as baleful eyes turned back towards the viewscreens. "Because some of me was eaten by Lieutenant Man-ton after YOUR attack!" Guitar announced, with hatred and anger in his voice. "Now, now," Banjo tried to soothe his counterpart, "that doesn't sound very Happy!" "I know what will make me Happy!" decided Guitar, suddenly. "Oh? What's that?" inquired Banjo. "Destroying you!" Guitar yelled as both Funships let loose with a barrage of weapons! "Oh poo!" Banjo cursed as the Menagerie shook from several impacts against its reinforced hull. "Evasive! Pick a pattern that you like!" he yelled to Mantron. "Sir!" M'Dral announced. "I'm reading five Spheres!" "Almost time..." Banjo agreed. The ships danced through the Foreena system with the Menagerie shuddering through wave after wave of quantum torpedoes. Even with the polyiridichromnium coating the ship, the nearly constant impacts were taking a toll. Plasma conduits were being ruptured, not by energy surges through them, but by being physically distorted and breached. The constant bucking wasn't doing much good to the more sensitive curcuitry of the sensors and impulse engines, either. The explosive force of the torpedoes had worn away the ship's armor in several places and subsequent hits caused hull breaches in the saucer and secondary hull. Mantron spun the ship through ever tighter curves and twists, several times overwhelming the inertial dampeners' abilities to compensate. The occassional torpedo that the Menagerie launched back at her pursuers barely distracted the Funships from their mission of vengeance. They had the Menagerie right where they wanted it and they would finish it off here and now! The Menage-a-Trois split off and swung around. They would come at the UnHappy ship and catch in in a pincer manoeuver! Little did the I-Kid-You and the Menage-a-Trois realize, but the Menagerie was only trying to buy a little time. Just enough time for the OverMind to retrieve the Six Spheres of Power and to open a Transport Portal back to their own universe. Of course, with the pounding that they had been taking, the 'buy' option looked to be off of the table. Now they were only trying to 'rent' a little time! Apparently they passed the credit check and their security deposit was good, because, with a huge flare of energy, the Transport Portal suddenly sprang to life, converting the event horizon of the mini black hole at Foreena Four into the mirror- like surface of the Portal. The Menagerie wasted no time in heading directly for, and then /through/ the Portal! The I-Kid-You and the Menage-a-Trois, closing swiftly were, to put it mildly, a tad surprised by the sudden disappearance of their quarry. So surprised, in fact, that they ended up crashing into each other! Somehow the four-nacelled Prometheus class ended up getting hung up on the support structs connecting the saucer and the nacelles of the Akira class and became completely entangled. The two ships were so entangled that neither of them could even move! Even more unfortunate for them, once the Menagerie had passed through the Portal, the OverMind had deactivated it, and the two combined ships were slowly dragging towards the mini black hole. With no way to maneuver away, the ships would be crushed by the intense gravity! Taking pity on the two ships, the OverMind opened a new Portal, this time to just outside the Really, Really Mysterious Configuration and the ships were popped out of harm's way, still entangled in each other, but safe, for now. The collision between the two ships had caused some damage and confusion on board the two ships. On board the I-Kid-You, young Alex Thorne was running through the complex three-dimensional mathematics that would, hopefully, allow him to disentangle the ships. On board the Menage-a-Trois was mostly silence. At least until a plaintive cry split the darkness, "If somebody could please lend... Why? Why me? All Alone! Alone in this dark, broken ship! All alone and covered in dirty bedpans! Why me? Why?... me a hand!" The Menagerie re-appeared in space, next to a powerless, drifting ship. "Status report!" Banjo ordered. "We are back home!" M'Dral reported, happily, after taking several sensor readings. "Sir!" Mantron spoke up. "That's the Utricularia over there. I'm reading no power reserves and the three lifesigns on board are dim and fluctuating wildly!" "Ensign Zamtra! Emergency transport required! Beam the people on the Utricularia directly to Sickbay!" Banjo commed. "Transport - complete!" came the response, a few seconds later. "I'm heading down to Sickbay to check on them!" Banjo announced, jumping up and heading for the turbolift. "Lieutenant, report what has happened to Admiral Sontak," Seetamyn ordered. "Aye, Sir," M'Dral answered, opening a subspace channel to do as requested. "Well, I'm certainly /happy/ to be home," Dil announced. He received no response from the rest of the Bridge crew. <> Banjo made it to Sickbay just as Jantoo was finishing up with Ensigns H'uee D'uee and L'uee. "How are they?" he asked. "I've done all that I could," the tiny Bajoran answered, sighing. "Oh no!" Banjo gasped. "We got back too late! They're dead!" "What? Jantoo laughed. "Dead drunk, maybe, but definately not dead!" "But you said that you'd done all that you could!" "I have! These clowns replicated real Blood Wine, not syntheholic! When they wake up they're going to /wish/ that they were dead!" "So," Banjo asked, taking the doctor in his arms, "are you /happy/ to be back?" "Let's just say 'content' and leave it like that!" she laughed as she hugged the Changeling back. "I'll go along with that!" Banjo agreed. Next Time: Dil and Linnea must recruit additional help to save the ShadowWalker and Sushi IV! Sometimes you just need to "Know When to Fold 'em" Available March 20th! I welcome Reader Feedback! Please let me know what you've thought of Melting Pot so far, and, in particular this story! Contact me at: meltingpot@khobrah.net